i decided facebook has too much control over my life, emotions, and plans…what was it like without myspace or facebook??? yeahh, i want that life again. i might even get limited texting…only for necessity because of softball season…sooo, bye tumblr. see you april 1st (:
I have had “friends” telling people about who i supposedly “hooked up” with to other people…another one who just used me for one thing and doesnt talk to me anymore…another one who bailed on me for ringdance…but now is going with someone else.another one who forgot all about me and our plans as if i never existed.another one to straight lie to my face.another one that just cant get out of her own fantasy world and into reality…i need new friends.good friends.it seems impossible to find.
i dont really think i like anyone…so ill talk about the last person i was interested in…An old friend. Lives in my neighborhood. I liked his innocence…until he screwed me over and now that i REALLY know him…he has changed so much, and a lot of times i dont mind…but its not a good change….conforming to his new friends…he is just a clone…i liked his individualism and innocence…yeah…no more of that goin on…time to move on…i need to focus on other things anyways,
okay. most people would start off with looks…im going to start with inner qualities. dont get me wrong, appearance counts to a point…and i dont feel shallow at all saying that, because anyone who says that is lieing…we all have different preferances and if we didnt then we wouldnt like different people…so inner qualities…they have to be smart. Im sorry, if they arent intelligent and dont care about school…i just cant do it, its too frustrating to be interested in someone who isnt driven as i am. Im attracted to someone who can take a joke, but not go overboard. I think a little awkwardness is adorable. I like a genuine guy, someone sweet and innocent…does that even exist anymore? I kind of think for me, i need someone commited to some belief or faith…for those people who go to church…i know i do…i see those couples in church listening to the sermon and the guy has his arm around the girl and its just so innocent and seems so…idk, securing. I need someone who can keep up with me, and keep it in his pants. Im attracted to that self confidence but down to earth quality. When it comes to looks…okay, my preferance is some chocolate…if ya feel me? but ill go anyway with race, i like near 6 foot. tall makes me feel secure. someone not lanky but not over bulky. in between with muscles. someone who is in shape like me… aware of their physical fitness. its important to me. but i mean these are all preferances. looks arent everything. All i know is a deserve and want to be treated right. chivalry. anyone with that, eventually will win my heart.
This time two years ago i was about 30 pounds heavier. short reddish hair. i was depressed. i was on crutches from my roof incident on my 15th birthday, going to physical therapy…and just HATING myself. I was out of control. Through the next two years i would try to escape what i thought was keeping me back…kellam and went to princess anne…only to come back to kellam where i fell into another depression, and an obsession with my weight. Through those two years i went from softball controlling my life, my friends, my schedule, my brain, and my priorities as well as my values to just quitting. Through the past two years i have struggled. Struggled more than anyone could ever realize. I have felt pain. I have felt betrayed, self conflicted, and pure hate toward myself. I went through phases of i dont give a shit, “put a smile on so everyone can shutup”, and a suicidal state. Ive had months and months and months of just crying myself to sleep.and years of avoiding mirrors from the shame of what i looked like. Ive been through periods of just lieing to people to make my life sounds do much better to people but knowing deep inside im just rotting. Yeah, ive had good grades and everything the past two years…but for what? I didnt see anything in the future for me. i was numb to the world for most of the two years… and in the past year? Ive gone out of control with the freedom my license has given me. Like a hoe walking on the street. I dont need to get into any details…but its shameful and it makes me feel unworthy and a dirty person…no one knows that about me…that it silently eats me away inside…but if anything…ive become stronger. ive learned to let go. Ive learned when to open my mouth and what to say when i do to different people. Ive learned to become a more self aware person. Im still not okay with my body and who i am….i have trouble saying to myself…you are beautiful, i still dont see it. i still see a fat person most days…but today in yoga i looked in the mirror during meditation…and i repeated over to myself that i am beautiful, and i actually believed it for the first time in years…as i closed my eyes and bowed my head a tear drop fell to the floor. so yes, im still a mess and still slip up with my self control of being able to respect myself and my body…and i still have issues with depression, i still get sad and there are days on the weekend ill shut my phone off and lay in bed…nothingness, and numb…but after awhile i get this hope back, this hope to keep going…to be better. i also found my faith in the past couple months. i still remember the day…november 7th, 2010 when i gave my life to Christ. never have i cried that hard in my entire life. and i know i slip up and forget about my relationship with him sometimes…how i treat my parents, myself, my friends…and i know he knows im working at it. and lately i have been pulling away not thinking im good enough. but i feel that today, yesterday, and friday night. i have become new once again. i know i can do this….and two years ago i wouldnt have been able to say that.
things will work out…things will get better…things will fall into place…one day i will find someone that actually is interested in who i am…not my body or what i can give them…i keep telling myself there will be a time where someone thinks im worth it and that im good enough. there will be a time where i have amazing friends who will stick by me and just…be a true friend…but in high school…i see none of this as possible. i feel as if im slowly rotting away in this hell hole and i want out…i want to get away. i want to find this happiness and companionship of other people…of friends and maybe even a good guy, because i dont see too many around here. I want to be seen as beautiful and strong and amazing to someone. i keep telling myself one day itll happen….but deep down in my heart i have these doubts. I just truly want to believe it…then ill be happy.
I stalk people on facebook? but i dont think thats wierd…i mean everyone does it…and we all know we end up looking at some random sexyy boyy with a boyfriend who lives in Oklahoma or something. I stare in the mirror…either dancing erotically (or my attempt) or just put my face right up to the mirror and make the ugliest faces. I also start making really obnoxious and outrageously loud sounds that no one has ever heard before and before i know it…im on the floor laughing my ass off….that might be an only child thing. Lately when im bored and alone though…ive been just randomly stretching. pulling out my leg and bending over trynna feel that hamstring…yeah…I’m weird.
i dont boast about it infront of people…mostly because people are petty and when they get C’s because they dont want to put effort into their schoolwork…they like to shit on other people to make themselves feel alright and accomplished. well i go to school, pay attention, and work my ass off. I’m going to be happy about it, and when you ask me what i got on my report card and i tell you straight A’s, and then you go and give me a face and a remark…im going to stick back up your ass. i deserve my grades, and im proud of them…sorry your so undetermined and lazy. not my problem…because you see at the end of this year im going to have a GPA of over a 4.0 and im going to be going to some top college that is one of my first choices…and where will you be? yeah…you dont even know. so shutup
As if nothing matters. I just wanna sleep the days away. Its kind of like a numbness taking over my body. Nothing seems important anymore. Im not so sure i see any point in anything. Its like ive given up…and its like i dont even care.