yes, ive made mistakes. a lot more than anyone will ever know and more than anyone can ever imagine. but everyone makes mistakes, some deny their at fault for anything…never taking the blame…but denying a mistake doesnt make it untrue. But when the person owns up to the mistake right then and there…taking every responsibility. a mistake of just growing up and being careless…something that should be looked back upon in about five years when im older and laughed about. I accepted the responsibility to pay for the repairs and didnt hide it for a second… i dont understand why i should have this pressure by the people who should be the most accepting of me to be perfect all the time…since im me, i cant mess up at all. I guess I used all my mess ups a couple years back, and i have no room for more…idk, i dont understand. Im sorry Im not perfect. Its not like i meant it. I did all i could to show you i was responsible after i messed up…because i cant take it back after its done…all i can do is make the best of the situation i put myself in. Im sorry im not a good enough daughter to your standards.
anything is what i would give for just a phone call. a phone call to just explain. explain why its this way. why it just ended, maybe just for closure so i can at least get a reason…now im left wondering why, constantly. ideas and situations constantly going through my mind nonstop. i miss you, or maybe just the hope of you, because now its just gone. even that little glimpse of light of hope i had deep within my heart. its just empty without the little bit of hope you put into it…i wish i could just get an answer…why? what made me so bad? so unworthy? i guess it was just a plot to use an innocent girl who thought she couldnt get any better. but now, im not settling for anything less that what i deserve. with this loss of hope, it gives a girl the strength and will to look deep within and make a statement to make a change. a change to make my own hope to the future…without you.
I forever feel pressure. Pressure to act a certain way to people to not offend them, pressure to lose weight and have a flat stomach. Pressure to keep it all together. Pressure to not dissapoint my parents. Pressure to be the best i can be, because i know how far i can go…just the pressure it takes to get there has it’s full gravity on me.
I am constantly digging for inner strength to overcome all this pressure…at least enough to fool the ones around me…lately i know i havent been doing that great of a job of hiding it. Everyone can see right through me. Ive been weak and overcome by the pressures added by other people around me, my parents, and even myself.
When will i be able to look in the mirror and be satisfied? When will i be able to just be me around other people, and even the people i love? WHen will i get over the idea of dissapointing my parents and do things for myself? When will i finally start believing in myself?
The answer is when i dig for the courage in my heart that i know is there and face the inner turmoil in my thoughts. When i finally just face my fears, head on and without too much thought of what if…then i can finally start believing in myself and seeing who i really am…not this mask i use to cover up the real me.
There is always a moment where you just KNOW. Where everything just clicks. Its when you realize the differences you have compared to those who surround you. The moment where you realize you want different things and things are just going to keep changing. In that moment its clear that embracing the differences and facing the changes in the choices you now see necessary in the face, face the fear of the unknown and seperate yourself from the others that havent realized its better to embrace the changes which make them different instead of always trying to fit in with the rest…have the courage to face the fear of change.